Hot 100 - Week 5/ Fitness Fear Friday

I've discovered something about myself recently that I surprisingly never knew before. Now that I know it though, I can't believe it wasn't blindingly obvious to me before. And as if that's not enough to curl my nose, knowing it could have saved me a few bucks in therapy, a few nasty fights with Mr.SalinaLivingActive, and who knows how many missed opportunities over the years.

My biggest fear in the world is that I won't be good enough.

I just got done reading through my entire 12 week journal from doing my first round of The Artist's Way. The not-good-enough theme screams "LOOK AT ME" through all the seemingly deep issues I was dealing with which now look like nothing more than insignificant symptoms of the obvious.

The curse of the perfectionist strikes again. It's the black and white perception of the world that insists if I can't do something perfectly, don't bother half-assing it. Although I do partially subscribe to this "logic" I fail to see it as true logic without any editing necessary. Yes, I believe it's important to try my best and invest 100% of myself in everything I attempt but that's where it ends. The truth as I see it is that I can control what I do and how I do it but I can't control the outcome. If it's not perfect (by who's standards I don't know), it's not for me to decide or criticize. But if I've put my all into something then there should be nothing to regret or judge for that matter.

Conceptually, I get this and I believe it whole-heartedly but when rubber hits the road, the bitch in my head typically has a hay day. That's why I haven't started the Punk Rope thing yet (but am actively working on and will have more info for you all soon), I haven't touched my guitar in months, I haven't been back to derby practices or on my skates at all, I haven't started writing my book(s), I haven't finished my house so I can put it on the market and move to the city where I belong, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

For me, this fear of not being good enough has stopped me in my tracks and been the cause of much regret and disappointment. But now I know it's there, I hear the bitch in my head and I know she's just ill-informed. Armed with this education, I am now finally willing and able to face each and every point of contention one by one to overcome the lies I've chosen to believe and shut that bitch up once and for all.

What is your biggest fear?

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HOT 100

The OG
The Hot 100 Daddy

The Update

1. I weighed in on Sunday last weekend and it was 161.8. Ewwww. I blame TOM! I'll weigh in again this weekend and see what I see.
1. Water - getting better but still not 100%
2. Work out - better but still not 100%
3. Meal plan - Oh YA! Oh YA! A+++++++
4. Tracking - Oh YA! Oh YA! A++++++
5. Sleep - Oh YA! Oh YA! A+++++
6. Journal - I missed one day.
7. Food - Oh YA! Oh YA! A+++++
2. Blogs - Oh YA! Oh YA! Blogger maniac.
3. Book - Not as much as I had hoped I would work on it but I did work a little tiny bit so that's good.

I'm a work in progress...

What if I quit?

I was tossing an idea around recently. I considered calling the blog done and gone for good. One day, I just woke up a week or so ago and realized that I just didn't care about much of anything. Is my house clean? I don't care. Have my dogs been for a walk? I don't care. Am I going to be late to work? I don't care. Did I brush my teeth? I don't care. I thought I wanted to teach Punk Rope? I don't care. Didn't I just decide that I wanted to be a writer? I don't care. Everything just felt meaningless.

The first follow-up idea I had to this line of irrational thinking was PMS. Depression? No. Stress? Perhaps. I have had a lot of interesting things happening in my life lately that could potentially elicit the stress response. Instead of trying to pinpoint the issue though, I just decided to write it off as a slump. Yes, I found myself in a slump. How I got there is another discussion all by itself but I'm very  happy to report that the slump of 2010 is now over and the world can go back to the way it is meant to be. You like how important I am that when I'm in a slump, the world feels the effects? Ya, I didn't think so. *wink*

I had to ask myself all the questions in a situation like this. What if I quit? What if I said goodbye to my blog and the awesome community that I love so much? Would I miss it? Would I regret it? Would I resent it? How would I feel about myself? What would I gain? What would I lose? Is it worth it? What do I really want? Will leaving the blog get me closer to or further away from what I want? What about those of you out there who I don't want to let down? Oh and they just kept on coming. All the questions. Oye!

Of course I had to answer the questions. How else was I to get to the bottom of this mess? I mean really?

I will admit that in the answering phase, I did throw myself a little pity party but, BUT I was absolutely certain to also be the voice of reason because no pity party can go unregulated. That would just be insanity. It's a good thing that Officer Lyn was on duty too because Salina's pity party of one would have spun quickly out of control. It would have been like Eeyore and Taz tag-teaming. Not a pretty sight. Trust me on that.

What I eventually came to was that quitting the blog would just be stupid. I've been doing this self indulgent activity for a year now and although I tried really hard to ignore all the good things I've experienced from it, they're just too many and too good to ignore.

• I've lost 20 lbs and kept it off.
• I've successfully become an active person. I went from couch potato to having too many activities and interests to do in the time allotted.
• I've met a few absolutely fantastic people out there. You know who you are and I thank god for you on a regular basis.
• I found the Artist's Way which has ridiculously changed my life in all good ways.
• I'm writing. Um...I'm writing. I never considered myself a writer before, I always thought that I would have to have a book on the shelf at Barnes and Noble before I could claim that title but I was wrong. I AM A WRITER. Book or no book. Paycheck or no paycheck. I write, I love it, it makes me happy. I'm a writer.
• A little something something of mine will be published soon. Thanks to Jules for daring (believing in) me and to Suzette for giving me the amazing opportunity.
• I'm finally Auntie Salina to my brother's kids. After 2 years, I finally found my way back into his life so I can be the sister I've not been to him for a decade and the Auntie that his kids need and I need to be.
• I found and fell in love with racquetball, roller skating and derby, Punk Rope, and Jenny.
• And I've hopefully done some good too. Leaving comments on blogs out there, I hope I've created a few smiles. And through my posts, I hope I've demonstrated that facing our fears and our inner demons can only bring joy.

Also, I started the blog to chronicle my experience from fat and lazy to healthy and active. I'm no longer fat and lazy but my journey is not yet complete either. I still have another 40lbs to lose and a huge list of activities that have yet to be attempted. If I don't do them, who will? There I go, throwing my importance around again. *You know that's tongue-in-cheek, right?* I still haven't made the Punk Rope thing totally real yet. I still haven't returned to the flat track in roller derby yet either. Jenny has been waiting out the Seattle rain to get back out there and discover the city in her two-wheeled gloriousness. So many things to do...I can't quit now.

Monday Mourning

Well that does it. The Artist's Way has come to an end. Yesterday was the last day of my 12-week journey to unblocking my inner artist. How about a recap of the last three months of my life.

When I started the Artist's Way, I was unhappy with my job, my income, my husband, my friends, my house, my city, my neighborhood, and my prospects for a different life. Whiny and complainy about just about everything.

I started reading and writing the daily pages and immediately the opportunities came a-knockin'. Two weeks, that's all it took for me to see HUGE changes starting to take shape in my life. And I mean HUGE.

• My marriage has a renewed sense of joy about it. Amazing that we are probably happier now than we have been in many many years together. Did I mention that he is going through The Artist's Way too?
• I talked to my boss about not being happy where I was and with the salary I was making with no other intention but to inform that I would be starting to look for different work elsewhere. It took a couple weeks for it all to come through but I ended up getting myself a promotion and a raise out of the deal.
• I decided that my biggest life dream was to be a writer and it seems that not but one moment after that decision was declared, the universe conspired to drop an opportunity right on my head. I wrote two essays for an author who is currently working on a new book of her own. After reviewing my essays, she decided that she will in fact use them in her book so it looks like I might just get something of mine published too.
• I was unhappy with my family situation so a series of events was set in motion and now I barely recognize my life and myself. My grandfather died, I went to the funeral where I saw my entire estranged family. I've reconnected with my brother and am actively trying to be Auntie Salina to his two kids. I've been in touch with my parents and my grandparents too. It's all very surreal and to be perfectly honest, slightly uncomfortable with where the boundaries lie, but altogether, it's kind of a miracle after 10 years.
• I reached out to my father in law to resolve whatever issues he and I have had over the past year. It seems that he is either unwilling or unable to respond though because I've gotten no reply to date. Looks like that one might just be a lost cause. The outcome doesn't define the success though,  not in my eyes. I actually reached out to him after shutting both my husband and myself out of his life for over a year now. I got out of my pride and out of myself and did the right thing by everyone. All I can control is me so in that sense, it was a perfect success.

There are still a few things on my list that I want to face and resolve a bit more conclusively than they were addressed in the past twelve weeks  though. I still want to finish the little touch-ups around my house so we can put it on the market in the early spring and finally move back to the city where we belong. My poor little guitar is still sitting in it's case all lonely and silent. She needs to come out and play. I still want to start writing more on a regular basis so I can feel like I can truly call myself a writer. I haven't made any progress on the scale either, so that's definitely on the list.

Yes, I'm mourning the conclusion of the 12-week Artist's Way program  because of what it has meant in my life. But, I'm not done with it yet. I'm going to start at the beginning again and end this year with a clean slate. I'm wiping the gunk from my brain and am going to set myself up for a screamingly successful year looking forward.

Living Active isn't just about exercise you know...it's about actively living our lives. For me to continue to actively live my life, I'm rededicating myself to another 12 weeks of the Artist's Way. If it can do what it has in the past three months, I can't wait to see what else can happen next.

Here's a challenge!
I challenge you to grab the book from the used book store near you and go through the process too.

Every week, I will dedicate a post right here about The Artist's Way and my progress. I invite you all to join me and do the same. I'll wait to start reading for one week so we can all start together. I will start chapter one on Halloween then every Sunday thereafter for 3 months will be the mark for moving on to the next week of reading. Who knows, there might even be a reward at the end for those who complete the process.

Who's in?


Oh and P.S. I decided to keep blogging. :)

Hot 100 - Week 4

The OG

The Hot 100 Daddy

The Update

1. I did not weigh in. Nope, not at all. I wasn't even tempted by the scale. I know I should probably do it just to keep track of my progress or lack thereof but I just haven't really cared about much in the past week or 3. I totally slacked out on pretty much everything this week...and last week...and the week before. Damn, I'm on a roll. Time to pull my big girl britches up and get back to work.
1. Water - I tried harder to drink more water this week but I doubt it was enough.
2. Work out - I'm sorry to say that I didn't get my 5 workouts in. Sad panda.
3. Meal plan - Oh YA! Oh YA! I planned and I cooked and I ate the planned meals.
4. Tracking - Not even a little.
5. Sleep - Yes. Finally, I'm sleeping again. Hallelujah!
6. Journal - Oh YA! Oh YA! I wrote every day.
7. Food - For the most part, it was perfect since I followed my meal plan but I must confess that I had Bailey's in my coffee a couple mornings. Shhh..... :)
2. Blogs - Um....Not even a little, incase you didn't notice. Here's the thing with the blog lately. I just don't care. Ok, that didn't come out right. I care about all of you that read and I really don't want to let you down but sitting down to write a blog is something that just hasn't been fun or interesting to me lately. I just don't care about the blog itself or the content right now. I don't think it's the blog's fault, I just think I haven't been caring about much lately. Why? I really don't know. I have suspicions but nothing concrete. I've actually been tossing around the idea of retiring the blog writing indefinitely. Originally, I started this blog with the intention of using it as my journal because I was finding it difficult to develop the habit of writing in an actual journal. Then I justified it even more with the added bonus of having a support network and people outside myself to be accountable to. Now, I'm writing in my journal every day and loving it by the way and I have the world's greatest Accountabilibuddy and I just don't really feel the need to have an audience anymore. Am I just trying to self-sabotage? I don't know. I don't think so but it is a thought that has entered my mind. A question that deserves being answered I think. Feedback?
3. Book - Oh YA! Oh YA! I wrote on my little stack of note cards. Another idea that could be super awesome. A kid's book. Me? Write a kid's book? Um...weird but whatever.

Now for a little update on the belly dancing thing for the month. I'm very dissatisfied with the progress. The month is pretty much over and I have yet to get to a damn class. I've cheated you all and feel horrible about it. But because I really really do want to do belly dancing, I'm going to just wipe out the rest of the plans for this year and do belly dancing exclusively. The difficulty was that all the classes I could find were 6 or 8 week long sessions and I looked into them 1/2 way through a session so I missed everything. The one option I could find that would work turned out to be MIA. I went and it was not there. I don't know what happened. If it was a mirage or I just imagined seeing it online and paying for it or whatever but I have yet to find the damn place. So, I'll try again on Saturday morning and maybe it'll just appear. If not, I'm just going to sign up for one of those sessions I found and do it for the months of November and December. Then I'll do the martial arts and/or boxing after the first of the year. We shall see!

Hot 100 - Week 3

The OG

The Hot 100 Daddy

The Update

1. Weigh in on Sunday, October 10th at 160 even. That's 1 lb less than last week's 2lb gain. I'm almost back to the 150s again. I think I can I think I can I think I can.
1. Water - Um....nope
2. Work out 5 days - Um....nope. I wasn't feeling well.
3. Meal plan - Um....nope.
4. Track food - Um....nope. Okay...kinda. But not every day.
5. Sleep - Um...Yep.
6. Journal - Um....Yep.
7. Food choices - Um....Yep. I did have the Greek feast too and it was fabulous.
2. 3 Blogs - Um...nope. I'm up to 2 with this one. Slacker. No, I was just super busy all week long with work.
3. Work on the book - Um...nope. No comment.

Fitness Fear Friday - Facing Fears

Yesterday, I finally accomplished a piece of this Punk Rope goal that I've been hiding from for almost a full year. I spoke with a couple Health and Wellness Directors at YMCAs around my area about bringing Punk Rope to their facilities. The response was not as favorable as I hoped. Actually, it was uncomfortably close to realizing my fear of how it would be which is what motivated me to avoid it for as long as I did.

I did it anyway. I made one call, and another, and a few more. I spoke with two individuals and left voice mails for the rest. The experience evoked a thought bubble which appeared over my head that read, "How would I feel if I got all NOs?". It took me a minute to realize that my immediate response to that question wasn't anything like I would have expected it to be. I felt...indifferent. One would think I would be heart broken with how much thought, time, money, effort, and avoidance I've put into preparing and not preparing for Punk Rope to be a part of my life.

The obvious next question appeared in an overlapping thought bubble. "Why? Why would I be indifferent if I got rejected by everyone?" The answer rushed in with a speed not to be ignored, actually, I think the answer presented itself before the question was even complete. The answer was that I would be perfectly satisfied if I never actually teach a Punk Rope class because I have successfully faced my fear of it. I'm no longer afraid of what people will say or do or how they will look at me. I no longer feel a need to prove myself to anyone else because I have somehow managed to accept myself exactly how I am.

Instead of being afraid of being judged by professional trainers and fitness instructors, I was actually afraid of the judgements I was passing on myself.

Instead of being afraid of being judged by my students for being an overweight instructor, I was actually feeling ashamed of my body because of my own judgements about what an instructor SHOULD look like in my twisted mind.

By journaling about the fears and speaking to people about my thoughts and ideas, I came to realize that I am perfectly ok exactly how I am. I don't need to have a perfect body to teach others to be active because I AM LIVING ACTIVE and I AM ACTIVELY LIVING. Who cares if I still have a few too many pounds of fat on my bones. I have prepared enough, I know enough, I am enough to deserve to do whatever I want, Punk Rope included. Coming to that understanding finally allowed me to pick up the phone regardless of what the outcome would be. And coming to that understanding finally allowed me to feel a bit more peace in myself about who I am and who I am still becoming. That is something to be celebrated and appreciated.

What fitness fear have you overcome lately?

Octobelly dancing

Octobelly dancing?

Why did The 12 Days of Christmas song just pop into my head? Not at all what I was going for but whatever.

October is officially the month for shaking and shimmying and I have a plan folks. Yes indeed!

I found a facility in Seattle that was offering a great deal for any newbie signing up to try a few classes. $25 for 5 classes in a one month time period. Perfect for me! Especially considering I have a little bit of a late start this month because it took what feels like forever to find a class that would work. There are a number of belly dancing teachers in my area and a few organized classes but it seems that the majority of them offer 6 or 8 week sessions and it just so happens that I'm late for the start of all of the sessions. I was worried that I would have to let you all down but no, we're safe because I found:

Skin Deep

I will be attending a beginners belly dancing class on Tuesday and Saturday through the end of the month. Actually, to be slightly more accurate, I will be attending a beginners belly dancing class on Tuesdays and a bollywood class on Saturdays.

Did she just say bollywood?

YES, yes I did! Bollywood. Stay tuned...

Oh don't you wish you could see me in action with vlog entries instead of these lame descriptions? So sorry to disappoint but you might just have to settle for what I give you. If you're lucky, I might be able to get a couple pictures snapped but chances are that I will not be posting any kind of video proof of this activity.

Notice I do include some skating on Thursdays still and a couple bike rides with Jenny. I just can't stand to abandon my sweet Jenny girl after the amazing bonding experience we've had in the past few weeks.

I will get my plans together for November martial arts and December boxing too. More to come on that later.

Hot 100 - Week 2

The OG
The Hot 100 Daddy

The Update

1. Sunday, October 3rd I weighed in at 161. Yes folks. I hate to say it but it's true. The little dip into the 150s was yet again a temporary thing. Seems that I lost 2lbs in one week then gained them all back in one week. Not sure what that's all about but it's true none the less. Personally, I think it's all about my head. I think there's something in my silly little brain that says "Hey, you're in the 150s again...way to go...now you can relax a little....go have a beer and some southwest egg rolls....no problemo". And I go: "Really? RAD!". Der D Der.
1. I didn't drink enough water again although I was trying....well half the time.
2. I worked out 4 days instead of 5.
3. I did meal plan but didn't follow it as closely as I would have liked.
4. I tracked but only loosely.
5. Sleep has been strained. Not sure why but even with Tylenol PM...I still woke up in the middle of the night. More exercise should fix that.
6. I'm happy to report that I have successfully journaled every day and coincidentally, I'm in much better spirits this week. Funny how that works.
7. I didn't take the Oktoberfest free day as planned because when we got to the festivities...IT SUCKED. So we just turned around and came home. No beer or brauts for me. Probably better than way. I do have my Greek cooking day tomorrow though. Looking forward to it. Ooooopa!
2. Wrote 3 blogs this week. Success! I had a slow start in the week though so I didn't do a Monday post but whatever. I do what I can in as little time as I have.
3. The writing work on the book is still on my wish list and not on my schedule. But after doing a little thinking this week, I decided that I need to put it on my schedule. Time to write and allow myself to be creative in between all my scheduled TO-DOs. Good plan.

Fitness Fear Friday - Accountabelly Dancing

Today, I want to talk about the secret sauce in my world. My secret sauce is all about the accountability. If left to my own devices, I may just choose to blow off plans for exercise or fitness of any kind if I just don't happen to be in the mood.

I felt the ugly little thoughts creep up this month for sure. Not only am I getting a late start on the month because I had no idea it would be so challenging to find a simple belly dancing class but it's also um...BELLY DANCING. Does anyone else get the irony of this or am I alone here? Somehow, I'm supposed to get excited to shake my jiggly bits and not only that but pay someone to teach me to shake them to music. AND as if that's not enough, I also have to put it on display for all you lovely people who I have nothing against but um...you're people. If I had the belly above....no problemo. But I don't. Mine has a little more to it than that.

Speaking of Fat Chicks Bellydancing

It would be oh so easy to just sit around and do nothing for the next couple weeks with one of the thinly veiled excuses we all choose to use. I'm busy. I'm tired. I don't feel well. I had a long, stressful day. I have company coming over sometime in the near future. I didn't get enough sleep last night. I have to cook dinner. I have to deal with the kids. I have to deal with the dogs. I have to deal with the cars. I have to go to the bathroom. I have to pick my nose. I have to shove my thumb up my butt.

It would be easy for me to get away with using those excuses for myself because I am a master justifier when I need to be. Well, that's true if I'm the only member of the audience but when I have to share my excuses out loud with someone or multiple someones, they don't sound so good anymore. And I then have the added mirror of the look I get back from the person or persons I'm blowing smoke at. For me...that represents a fear.

I'm afraid of disappointing people. I'm afraid of damaging my reputation of being responsible and accountable and honest and trustworthy. I might be kinda rude or bitchy every now and again but the people that know me, know that they can count on me. I do what I say I will do and show up when I say I will show up. Losing that image scares me.

So...having my Accountabilibuddy and having a team of support people here in the land of blogz who stop by and read me and vote for me and comment keeps me going. If I didn't have people outside of myself expecting me to show up, I wouldn't have any reason to show up.

It's a positive side of fear. So thanks for being here, it really does help me.

What positive fear do you have?

What if I were consistent?

I would be unstoppable if only I could manage a certain amount of consistency in my actions. Instead, I am gung-ho off the start and burn myself out shortly thereafter. I do this with everything in life. I've done this with school, with reading, with fitness, with writing, with friends, with family, with playing the guitar, with work, with self care, with blogging, with everything. Yes my way allows me to gather many experiences that others might not be able to have if they're focused on one thing for an extended duration of time but it also sets me up for disappointment. 

Lately, I've found myself in one of those ebb portions of the cycle. For the past two weeks, I've had a lackluster interest in just about everything. Friends are getting on my nerves (hurting my feelings), family is in my life and not in my life and it's all very confusing for me. I haven't tracked any of my food or my fitness. I haven't been writing or journaling like I prefer. I haven't been cooking or sleeping or reading or exercising very much. I haven't been reading any of your fabulous blogs out there that I usually look forward to on a daily basis. I just haven't been fully participating in my own life.

What if I were to consistently do those things that I know make me happy? What if I read every day? What if I wrote every day? What if I cooked whole, healthful foods everyday? What if I exercised every day? What if I got 8 hours of sleep every night?

What would my world look life I did those things more regularly?

First and foremost, I think I'd be consistently happier. That's a no-brainer. I'd have more energy. I might take more notice of my surroundings and have a deeper appreciation for the goings on in my world. I might pay closer attention to the journey and not find myself so focused on the destination. I might lose more weight. I might find more joy in my friendships. I might realize more success in this blog and in my work. I might actually sleep better if I maintained consistency in the other areas. I might just be a better person for myself and for those that I care about.

What would your world look like if you were more consistent?

Hot 100 - Week 1

Update time ladies and dudes.

Ready for it?

Ready?

My Goals

My Update

1. On September 20, I said I wanted to lose 1 lb every week. I weighed in on Sunday the 26th a whole 2 lbs lighter than before. 2 lbs. WoooooHoooo! Numbers are good so in the name of full disclosure: I weighed 161 on the 19th and 159 on the 26th.


1. Barely drank enough water though I'm trying.
2. Did not work out 5 days. I did however go for a nice bike ride and did a lot of house and yard work but the gym has been sadly missing me.
3. Meal plan? Bah... I'm going to get a hold of this little action this weekend though.
4. No tracking to speak of. Oops.
5. Sleep has been horrible. Maybe 6 hours if I'm lucky. No bueno for me.
6. Journal has been collecting dust for much of the week. I wrote on Monday, then nothing until last night. It's the sleep deprived thing. Oh ya, and I watched a movie instead. Choices.
7. Food choices were decent. I didn't go to Oktoberfest on the 25th as I planned though. I skipped that one in exchange for a bigger better beerfest in Leavenworth this weekend. Yay BEER!


2. I only wrote 2 blogs this week. Well, actually this one would make 3 so I guess I did it. Just not how I planned. Whatever.
3. I did not work on my book this week either. No writing means no writing. And to be totally honest with y'all, I'm feeling it in my attitude and my mood and my spirit. I'm just one of those weird writer people that needs to write to be happy I think.

In other news...
The polls have closed and I'm very disappointed in the turnout of voters this time around. 5 votes! That's all I got all month long. I think we can do better than that. Oh well, too late now. Here's how it's gonna roll:

October - I'm going to be a belly dancing mama and I'm not thrilled about this because I have a decent sized belly to shake around and I have horrid imagery in my head about it. But, I will follow through and report more specifically on my plans in my next post.

November - Will be some kind of martial art. Not sure which one yet. I'll be doing a bit of research to find something good. Or, if you have any suggestions, please let me know. I'm open.

December - I'm going to beat up on a punching bag as a boxer girl. Ooooo I'll be sure to have some super cute hot pink boxing gloves with skulls and cross-bones on them. Stay tuned for that as well.

Fitness Fear Friday - I'm all VONerable

I think the scariest thing for me about admitting fear is in the vulnerability that inevitably follows. All of a sudden, I'm exposed. One moment I think I'm perfectly content just being a mysterious figure observing the world from the corner to next moment standing bare butt naked in the middle of a crowded room telling everyone my inner secrets of self doubt and whatever else comes flying from my face.

People are fallible creatures and for some reason, we mistake makers in the world love to see others' mistakes as well. It makes us feel a little better about ourselves maybe. We can ease up on ourselves a little if we see others facing similar struggles. But I have to admit, I've never ever EVER been comfortable with allowing any visibility into what makes me tick as a person if it meant seeing any mess under the surface of the image I want to portray. For me, that mess has all been in the emotional realm. I could care less about people seeing my dishevelled house or dysfunctional relationships. But I have always cared about what I viewed and judged as emotional instability in myself.

There's definitely something liberating about it, being vulnerable that is. At least if I allow myself to be vulnerable to the people in my life, I know that they are around me because they really care and not just because I'm funny and like to have a good time. I don't just give the surface of myself to my friends and my family. I'm either all the way open or all the way closed. Black and white. Right and wrong. On and off. I don't have my own dimmer switch nor do I really see the need for one.

My biggest fear in the world is to find out that I'm not good enough.

What's your biggest fear?