Friday, August 20, 2010

Fitness Fear Friday - My Inner Bitch

I didn't post a fitness fear last week. Why? I've been asking myself that question all week. And the obvious answer excuse is that I was busy with other stuff. But is that actually true? If I must be honest, NO, it's not true. So why then? Why didn't I post a fitness fear?

Lately, I've been going through this Artist's Way program. It's bringing up all kinds of buried thoughts and beliefs I've been ignoring for weeks, months, years. One of those buried treasures I'm facing is all about the blogging. What was running through my head as I sat down to the computer with the New Post tab glaring at me was this:
  • No one cares about your stupid fears
  • No one cares about your fitness journey
  • No one wants to read your crappy attempt at writing a self indulgent blog
  • It's not like you have anything to offer anyone anyway
  • Shut up and get on with your life
In attempting to write my Fitness Fear Friday last week, I froze under the pressure of my own inner bitch verbally abusing me. Instead of just getting the negativity out and watching it flop around on the table until it ran out of oxygen and died, I kept it in a shallow dish in my head. There's just something about throwing all our crap on the table to look at it with an objective eye that tends to expose it for what it is and deprive it of its life blood.

Writing down those 5 thoughts above, I realize just how ridiculous they all are. Those thoughts are not only cruel and mean, they're just not true. And even if they are true, it doesn't matter anyway because I created this blog and continue to write it for my own benefit, no one else. The truth is that I enjoy this blog, I enjoy this journey I'm taking with Living Active, I enjoy writing (even if it is just jumbled thoughts sometimes).

Would I like to be more widely read in the land of blogz? Yes
Do I think I can improve on my writing? Yes

Just because I can see areas for improvement, doesn't mean I have to accept a negative self image or put up with the verbal abuse I suffer from myself. The free will I have been gifted allows me the choice to improve what I can. The serenity prayer comes to mind.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can and
The wisdom to know the difference

Change just takes a little bit of courage. If I'm not worth a little courage, then who/what is?

What fears and irrational bitchy thoughts are keeping you from facing yourself?
What can you do to end the battle and start taking better care of yourself?