KEEP YOUR BIG TRAP SHUT!

What is your worst fat fear?

My worst fat fear is that I will be accused of being pregnant. Why? I'll tell you. It's because when I was a young adolescent, probably around 10 or 11 years old, my aunt who was 4'10" tall and probably a good 200lbs had that exact scenario happen to her in my presence. An innocent little child approached her one day when we were out about town. The child ran up to my aunt and grabbed her belly yelling "mommy mommy, look, there's a baby in there!". The child's mother with a horrified look on her face, obviously knew that my aunt was just a fat woman, grabbed her child and hurried away. I could hear the apologies fading as their distance increased. That wasn't the worst of it though, at least that's not what was burnt into my mind. The worst part was listening to my aunt and my mom talk about how retched that woman and her child were and how humiliated my aunt felt after that scenario was over.

Less than an hour ago, my husband and I were eating at a new Mexican restaurant near our house and as we were paying the check and walking out the door, our waitress looked at me and said "how many months are you?". I wasn't sure I heard what I thought I heard so I asked her to repeat herself. She obliged my request with a clear and concise confirmation that I did in fact hear her right.

My response?

"I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat!"

That brief moment of emotional torment for my aunt and the conversation that followed taught me one very important lesson. Never ever ever ask a woman you don't know how far along she is or mention anything pregnancy related. The pain and suffering that can result if you're wrong far outweighs the possible joy YOU may experience with that stranger if you're right. This lesson did me well several times in life. The big one that stands out to me now is when I met a friend of a friend who looked very pregnant. I never said a word to her and later learned that she had undergone a surgery to remove the massive cyst from her abdomen. She wasn't pregnant. She had a very uncomfortable and painful medical condition that was also emotionally stressful. Thank god I kept my big trap shut.

Reasons to KEEP YOUR BIG TRAP SHUT:

1. Not everyone who looks pregnant is. They might be fat, they might have a tumor, they might have a cyst, they might have cancer, they might have nutritional deficiencies so KEEP YOU BIG TRAP SHUT!
2. Not everyone who's really pregnant is happy about it. They might have been raped, they might have been molested and are carrying their father's child, they might have just been dumped by the baby daddy, they might not know who the father is, they might be carrying a baby to term with no intention of keeping it. All those possibilities are very real in our world and they are all good reason to be unhappy about being pregnant so it's best that you KEEP YOUR BIG TRAP SHUT!
3. Pregnant women are smug. I've lost many a friend to child so I know what I'm talking about here. Happy pregnant women usually love to talk about all the ins and outs of their experience which does nothing more than reinforce their smugness. There is no need to encourage them in their hormonal justification so KEEP YOUR BIG TRAP SHUT!
4. Some pregnant women get sick and tired of:
1. talking to everyone because they're pregnant,
2. people touching their bellies even if you happen to know them well,
3. politely listening to your advice,
4. answering the same stupid questions you people ask over and over again (how far along are you? is it a boy or a girl? have you picked out names yet? are you nesting yet? are you having it naturally? are you going to get drugs? are you doing a home birth? have you had a baby shower yet? where did you register? have you decided if you're going to breast feed? are you going to be a stroller mom or a marsupial mom?),
5. listening to your experiences and how they differed with each and every little miracle you have sprung from your overactive loins so...KEEP YOUR BIG TRAP SHUT....and keep your hands to yourself.
5. There are often complications with pregnancies. Those unfortunate people who have complications and have to go to the doctor several times every month aren't exactly excited about their experience so KEEP YOUR BIG TRAP SHUT!
6. You're just being selfish. Talking to someone who may look or even be pregnant about their current situation does no good for that person what-so-ever. You're not talking to them for their benefit but maybe to satisfy your own curiosities or alleviate your own discomfort in a situation if you happen to be feeling that way so KEEP YOUR BIG TRAP SHUT!

Fitness Fear Friday - Shin Splints & Hot 100

A week or so ago, I went to my gym and was talking to my favorite cutie petutie front desk boy there. He was telling me all about how he has started training to run a full marathon but that he's been having strange pains in his shins. In the past few years, I've had my fair share of shin grief so I told him about my experience doing the breast cancer 3-day walk a couple years ago and all the post event treatment I had to go through to recover from that. He got a congested look on his face and said "oooooo, ouch - did you have to go get shin splints? I think I might need to get some."

So obviously that got my wheels a-spinnin' just a little. Is this the picture he had in his head about shin splints I wonder? Or maybe it was the image of a couple sticks and some duct tape wrapped around his leg?


Leg Splint

Here is the definition according to Wikipedia: Shin splints is a general medical term denoting medial tibial stress syndrome (MTSS), a slow healing and painful condition in the shins, usually caused by exercise such as running, jumping, dancing or other sports. Ten to fifteen percent of running injuries are shin splints.

Shin Splints

What does all this have to do with me right this particular moment? Good question. I've got the damn shin splints again. I'm sure it's because I've been jumping rope a lot more than I really need to in order to teach the Punk Rope class and apparently...I'm fragile or some shit. In all honesty, it's not a surprise that I'm having pains in my shins again. I had problems during the breast cancer walk, I had problems when I started the C25K program earlier this year, I had problems when I took the Punk Rope instructor training. It's just unpleasant and I don't appreciate it much at all, especially when I'm trying to do things here.

My fear for today is that I will have to sacrifice something or multiple somethings in order to do Punk Rope.

• My shins of course
• The other exercise I do because I'll need to spend time every week recovering from the damage I do to my shins every weekend
• Alllll my time
• More of my own money
• My weekend freedom

My other fear is that I will have to sacrifice Punk Rope for those things listed above.

I don't know if this has any validity or not but I found this picture on a medical site that described some treatments for shin splints. Perhaps I'll give it a try and see how it works this weekend for my Punk Rope class. Other than that, anti-inflamatory, ice, and rest are the only other treatments I'm aware of.

Shin Taping

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HOT 100
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The OG
The Hot 100 Daddy
The Update

1. Weight - Now this is a strange one right this moment. I don't know what to say other than...huh? I stepped on the scale last Saturday and it said 162.4 which is pretty much what I was expecting. Then, because my normal weigh in day is Sundays, I decided to step on it to confirm what I saw the previous day and I saw 164.2. Very very strange considering that I burned 900 calories on Saturday doing Punk Rope and drank a ton of water and ate perfectly healthful foods. 2 pounds overnight? I don't believe it. So I'm suspending judgement until I step on the scale again this weekend.
1. Water - Not as well as I hoped but I'm determined to do it damn it.
2. Workout - This one sucks butt this week. I haven't been able to exercise at all because I've been limping all week long with shin splints. Anti-inflammatories and ice just aint cutting it yet.
3. Meal plan - Yes!
4. Tracking - Yes
5. Sleep - Yes, for the most part. I had a couple nights of tossing and turning but I'm not depriving myself of sleep so that's good.
6. Journal - Not too much, no.
7. Food - Healthful planned meals every day. Yay!
2. Blog - Yes
3. Book - Nope. Not even trying anymore.

Regardless of what my progress on the Hot 100 goals looks like, I'm feeling pretty damn good. I looked at my goals for 2010 a couple months ago and came to a nasty realization that I hadn't accomplished much this year in terms of being able to definitively cross anything off my list. I did become a certified personal trainer which was a weird thing for me and I did overcome one of my biggest fears this year. I actually did Punk Rope. I'm actually DOING Punk Rope! Just a couple months ago, I had pretty much written it off as a failed attempt and a reason to feel shame so turning it around and making it happen before the end of the year feels like a huge victory.

Victory lap! And the crowd roars with excitement. No? Just in my head? Whatever.


PLEASE

1. Vote for my January activity. Top right side bar, you'll find a poll. Vote vote vote! Pretty please.
2. Check out the Punk Rope Seattle facebook page and share it with all your friends. With a cherry on top.

Reflection

There's just something about watching it snow that allows you to see into your own soul with a clarity and stillness that is unlike any other. As you know, I've been going through The Artist's Way a second time and giving a little update about how it's been going and what issues I've uncovered but mostly I think I've complained about feeling. Feeling lonely. Feeling lost. Feeling dejected. Feeling feeling feeling. I'm typically not one to be all about the feelings nor am I about expressing the feelings to whoever feels like watching and listening to me.

No, the only feeling I've ever been comfortable expressing before is anger. Somewhere through the years, I learned that anger meant power while expressing vulnerability in any way meant weakness. Lets not consider for a moment that anger itself is actually a vulnerability in disguise. It took me many years of reflection in all its forms to learn that basic insight into myself and the common human condition to misunderstand what part anger actually has in our lives.

I love what The Artist's Way says about anger. It says that anger is a guide to tell us where our boundaries lie. It is something to be acknowledged and treated with care and response but not reaction. The difference? A response is calculated whereas a reaction is not. If I find myself feeling angry for whatever reason I am forced to ask why. What has just happened to me to push my boundary whether clearly defined or not? And because anger is actually a secondary emotion, I have to ask myself what fear I'm being faced with. Having that information then allows me to decide the appropriate response to my triggered anger so I don't find myself doing or saying something I don't actually mean (react).

Recently though, it's not anger that I've struggled with. It's the vulnerabilities that contribute to the woman I am. The true person within me and whatever image I portray to those around me. Am I a little wishy washy because I can't seem to settle down on any one hobby? Do I seem a little schizophrenic with my long list of activities? Am I out of balance with overtasking myself then realizing just how many hours there are in the day? Am I really a sensitive whiner on the inside of this hard angry (less so now) shell?

In sitting in my comfy chair with my favorite patchwork quilt made by my mother-in-law, my laptop warming the legs it rests on and watching the snow fall outside it all just seems so clear. Trivial. I've struggled for one full year with feeling not good enough, not worthy enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not popular enough that right now, right this moment as I reflect back on the past 365 days, tears gather in my eyes and stream down my cheeks. I'm crying not out of pain or anger or fear as I may have in earlier days or weeks or months. I cry for pride. I cry for joy. My tears are singing my own praises and the feeling is almost as magical as the first snow fall of the year because I have finally done the one thing that had me frozen in my fear for the whole of 2010.

I faced my fears and I conquered them. I WIN! And it feels so good I don't know how else to express it other than to just allow the tears to fall in celebration of the woman who is emerging from the dust.

Today, I reflect on my year long journey from personal weakness to personal power by sipping my tea and watching the snow flutter to the ground. Now that's living active.

Fitness Fear Friday - So many things, so little time

BELLY DANCING

I'm bored with this place I'm going to. True, it's just the basics but the teacher is a super slow-talker and she slurs a lot. Seriously makes me wonder if there is something not quite right with her. She's really nice and very helpful, don't get me wrong. I just feel numb going into her class and coming out of it. I don't think belly dancing class should have that effect. So, I've decided to call it quits at that school and try my hips at a different one.

Are you ready for this? Oh, I have a really really really good feeling about this new adventure.

Miss Indigo Blue's Academy of Burlesque

Miss Indigo Blue, Head Mistress



Fuchsia Foxxx, Belly Dance


My husband and I had the pleasure of seeing Fuchsia Foxxx in action. We went to a burlesque show at The Pink Door in Seattle and she was one of the performers. Absolutely amazing! We had no idea who was going to be there, nor had we ever heard of her before but let me tell you, she was AWESOME! She does this belly dancing-burlesque fusion kinda thing and it's HOTTIE HOT HOT HOTTTTTT! A few days later, I found myself surfing the net, looking for belly dancing schools in Seattle and stumbled across the Academy of Burlesque. So I checked it out and who did I see on the list of instructors but Fuchsia Foxxx herself in all her HOT pink glory. I had already paid for the other classes though so I felt I should give it an honest try. I tried. I'm done. I'm going with Fuchsia Foxx and the Academy of Burlesque.

She does a 6-8 week session like most of the other schools too and this session has already started but I talked to the school and they said I should be totally fine to just do a drop-in and try it out a couple times. So that's exactly what I'm going to do. My first Fuchsia fusion is this coming Tuesday. Should be interesting.

HOT 100 UPDATE
The OG
The HOT 100 Daddy

1. Last weigh in was 161.8 so still no loss.
1. water - still a struggle but I have not given up
2. workout - this week...not even close. I'm bummed out about it too. :(
3. meal plan - YES
4. track - YES
5. sleep - YES
6. journal - YES
7. food - YES
2. Blog - YES
3. Book - sadly...no. I have vacation this coming week though so I'm planning to catch up. I have faith.

FITNESS FEAR FRIDAY
If you didn't read my Wednesday post, please allow me to announce my HUGE accomplishment again. I have FINALLY conquered my stupid, silly little big fear about Punk Rope.

• I no longer care what people think of my weight as a fitness instructor because Punk Rope is super fun and I know something they don't know. So there!
• I no longer care if people know how much I know and don't know nor do I care if they think I'm doing it all wrong because I know something they don't know. So there!
• I no longer care if I try and fail because I'm doing something that others wouldn't dare to even consider trying themselves. So there!
• I no longer care if people take me seriously because Punk Rope is fun and so am I. So there!
• I no longer believe that I have no right to teach people to exercise. I have all the right in the world because I know stuff that other people don't. So there!

In the past few days I have:

1. Booked a venue for the month of December to start Punk Rope classes. December 4th, 11th, and 18th.
2. I applied for a business license in Seattle.
3. I applied for liability insurance so don't go getting any ideas about suing me.
4. I got the music downloaded for the first class.
5. I contacted a writer lady who offered to send someone to my first class and hopefully get them to write about it in a local Seattle publication.
6. I started creating a flier to hand out this weekend.
7. I put the class curricula together for all three classes. First class is going to be Punk Rope Goes to the Movies. The second class is going to be a little tropical vacation from the freezing temperatures around here. And the third class is going to be in the spirit of the season. Hint? Kids are welcome.




If this is offensive to you....too fucking bad. Suck it up. Christmas exists and it's called "Christmas". If you don't like it, stay home with your 30 cats and tell them all about it because I don't care.


8. I put my list of invitations together so I get to email them all out today as soon as my flier is done.
9. I purchased the http://www.salinalivingactive.com/ domain name. It's still not active yet but it will be shortly and I'll probably be moving my blog over there and I'll post all Seattle Punk Rope classes and events there as well.
10. I have a whole list of people to contact and ideas for marketing Punk Rope properly. The marketing festivities will likely take place tomorrow.

Watch out Seattle, here comes Punk Rope!!!

Fitness Fear Friday - Questions

For those of you out there who have things you want to do or unfulfilled dreams keeping you awake at night, yes you, the ones who want to try something new but are too afraid to act...I have some questions for you.

If you could do anything without fear or obstacles (time, money, sitters, talent, etc.) in your way, what would you do?

What's the payoff for continuing to allow your fear or obstacles to determine your actions?

What do you gain by staying in your comfort zone?

What are you missing out on by staying in your comfort zone?

What's the worst that could happen if you chose to just act on what you want?

Is the worst possible scenario bad enough to logically justify selling yourself short?

What's the worst that could happen if you chose to just ignore the little voice in your head that says "but I really want to _________"?

Is it really worth it to you?

If your best friend or child came to you with the same answers you just gave to the questions above, how would you advise them?

What did you do yesterday that made you glow with pride?

What can you do today to give those embers a little oxygen?


Acknowledging and facing our fears is one of those things that is really easy to ignore. It's simple to pretend we are perfectly satisfied with our normal daily routine and we never want or dream of more for ourselves even if more just means taking a class for fun. We don't miss what we never had right? Maybe that's true but is it good enough for you? I've already decided that it's no where near good enough for me. I've been working through my fears one by one for the past few months and I know a couple of you out there have started doing some of that for yourselves as well. Brava! I want more. I want more for you. You've been here to cheer me on and give me a little push when I just wasn't feeling it. I want to return the favor and be here for you. All of you.

Answer the questions above if you feel so inclined.
Comment to let me know what your fear is and what you're going to do to challenge yourself and I'll follow you and do what I can to give you the "atta girl/boy" you need.

If you just don't wanna, fine...be that way. I'm still going to be working through my fears right here for all to see.

Happy Friday

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HOT 100 Update

The OG
The Hot 100 Daddy

The Update

1.  I weighed in on Sunday last week at 160.4, down 1.4lbs from 161.8 the week before. Still not below the 160 mark but at least the TOM gain is gone now.
1. Water - Still a struggle. I'm working on it though.
2. Work out - 4 days so I'm very very close to getting there. Next week will be spot on, I'm determined.
3. Meal plan - Technically I did not meal plan but it's because I had a ton of left overs from last week that I've been finishing.
4. Tracking - I haven't tracked for the past 2 days but plan to update everything today so I'm going with a YES. :)
5. Sleep - YES.
6. Journal - YES.
7. Food - YES. Well, slight side note here...I had some Halloween candy which was not part of the plan but that was the only slip. The rest of the week was fabulous.
2. Blogs - YES.
3. Book - YES. NANOWRIMO baby! Come look me up if you're signed up too. SalinaLyn in Seattle, WA.

Hot 100 - Week 5/ Fitness Fear Friday

I've discovered something about myself recently that I surprisingly never knew before. Now that I know it though, I can't believe it wasn't blindingly obvious to me before. And as if that's not enough to curl my nose, knowing it could have saved me a few bucks in therapy, a few nasty fights with Mr.SalinaLivingActive, and who knows how many missed opportunities over the years.

My biggest fear in the world is that I won't be good enough.

I just got done reading through my entire 12 week journal from doing my first round of The Artist's Way. The not-good-enough theme screams "LOOK AT ME" through all the seemingly deep issues I was dealing with which now look like nothing more than insignificant symptoms of the obvious.

The curse of the perfectionist strikes again. It's the black and white perception of the world that insists if I can't do something perfectly, don't bother half-assing it. Although I do partially subscribe to this "logic" I fail to see it as true logic without any editing necessary. Yes, I believe it's important to try my best and invest 100% of myself in everything I attempt but that's where it ends. The truth as I see it is that I can control what I do and how I do it but I can't control the outcome. If it's not perfect (by who's standards I don't know), it's not for me to decide or criticize. But if I've put my all into something then there should be nothing to regret or judge for that matter.

Conceptually, I get this and I believe it whole-heartedly but when rubber hits the road, the bitch in my head typically has a hay day. That's why I haven't started the Punk Rope thing yet (but am actively working on and will have more info for you all soon), I haven't touched my guitar in months, I haven't been back to derby practices or on my skates at all, I haven't started writing my book(s), I haven't finished my house so I can put it on the market and move to the city where I belong, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

For me, this fear of not being good enough has stopped me in my tracks and been the cause of much regret and disappointment. But now I know it's there, I hear the bitch in my head and I know she's just ill-informed. Armed with this education, I am now finally willing and able to face each and every point of contention one by one to overcome the lies I've chosen to believe and shut that bitch up once and for all.

What is your biggest fear?

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HOT 100

The OG
The Hot 100 Daddy

The Update

1. I weighed in on Sunday last weekend and it was 161.8. Ewwww. I blame TOM! I'll weigh in again this weekend and see what I see.
1. Water - getting better but still not 100%
2. Work out - better but still not 100%
3. Meal plan - Oh YA! Oh YA! A+++++++
4. Tracking - Oh YA! Oh YA! A++++++
5. Sleep - Oh YA! Oh YA! A+++++
6. Journal - I missed one day.
7. Food - Oh YA! Oh YA! A+++++
2. Blogs - Oh YA! Oh YA! Blogger maniac.
3. Book - Not as much as I had hoped I would work on it but I did work a little tiny bit so that's good.

I'm a work in progress...

Fitness Fear Friday - Facing Fears

Yesterday, I finally accomplished a piece of this Punk Rope goal that I've been hiding from for almost a full year. I spoke with a couple Health and Wellness Directors at YMCAs around my area about bringing Punk Rope to their facilities. The response was not as favorable as I hoped. Actually, it was uncomfortably close to realizing my fear of how it would be which is what motivated me to avoid it for as long as I did.

I did it anyway. I made one call, and another, and a few more. I spoke with two individuals and left voice mails for the rest. The experience evoked a thought bubble which appeared over my head that read, "How would I feel if I got all NOs?". It took me a minute to realize that my immediate response to that question wasn't anything like I would have expected it to be. I felt...indifferent. One would think I would be heart broken with how much thought, time, money, effort, and avoidance I've put into preparing and not preparing for Punk Rope to be a part of my life.

The obvious next question appeared in an overlapping thought bubble. "Why? Why would I be indifferent if I got rejected by everyone?" The answer rushed in with a speed not to be ignored, actually, I think the answer presented itself before the question was even complete. The answer was that I would be perfectly satisfied if I never actually teach a Punk Rope class because I have successfully faced my fear of it. I'm no longer afraid of what people will say or do or how they will look at me. I no longer feel a need to prove myself to anyone else because I have somehow managed to accept myself exactly how I am.

Instead of being afraid of being judged by professional trainers and fitness instructors, I was actually afraid of the judgements I was passing on myself.

Instead of being afraid of being judged by my students for being an overweight instructor, I was actually feeling ashamed of my body because of my own judgements about what an instructor SHOULD look like in my twisted mind.

By journaling about the fears and speaking to people about my thoughts and ideas, I came to realize that I am perfectly ok exactly how I am. I don't need to have a perfect body to teach others to be active because I AM LIVING ACTIVE and I AM ACTIVELY LIVING. Who cares if I still have a few too many pounds of fat on my bones. I have prepared enough, I know enough, I am enough to deserve to do whatever I want, Punk Rope included. Coming to that understanding finally allowed me to pick up the phone regardless of what the outcome would be. And coming to that understanding finally allowed me to feel a bit more peace in myself about who I am and who I am still becoming. That is something to be celebrated and appreciated.

What fitness fear have you overcome lately?

Fitness Fear Friday - Accountabelly Dancing

Today, I want to talk about the secret sauce in my world. My secret sauce is all about the accountability. If left to my own devices, I may just choose to blow off plans for exercise or fitness of any kind if I just don't happen to be in the mood.

I felt the ugly little thoughts creep up this month for sure. Not only am I getting a late start on the month because I had no idea it would be so challenging to find a simple belly dancing class but it's also um...BELLY DANCING. Does anyone else get the irony of this or am I alone here? Somehow, I'm supposed to get excited to shake my jiggly bits and not only that but pay someone to teach me to shake them to music. AND as if that's not enough, I also have to put it on display for all you lovely people who I have nothing against but um...you're people. If I had the belly above....no problemo. But I don't. Mine has a little more to it than that.

Speaking of Fat Chicks Bellydancing

It would be oh so easy to just sit around and do nothing for the next couple weeks with one of the thinly veiled excuses we all choose to use. I'm busy. I'm tired. I don't feel well. I had a long, stressful day. I have company coming over sometime in the near future. I didn't get enough sleep last night. I have to cook dinner. I have to deal with the kids. I have to deal with the dogs. I have to deal with the cars. I have to go to the bathroom. I have to pick my nose. I have to shove my thumb up my butt.

It would be easy for me to get away with using those excuses for myself because I am a master justifier when I need to be. Well, that's true if I'm the only member of the audience but when I have to share my excuses out loud with someone or multiple someones, they don't sound so good anymore. And I then have the added mirror of the look I get back from the person or persons I'm blowing smoke at. For me...that represents a fear.

I'm afraid of disappointing people. I'm afraid of damaging my reputation of being responsible and accountable and honest and trustworthy. I might be kinda rude or bitchy every now and again but the people that know me, know that they can count on me. I do what I say I will do and show up when I say I will show up. Losing that image scares me.

So...having my Accountabilibuddy and having a team of support people here in the land of blogz who stop by and read me and vote for me and comment keeps me going. If I didn't have people outside of myself expecting me to show up, I wouldn't have any reason to show up.

It's a positive side of fear. So thanks for being here, it really does help me.

What positive fear do you have?

Fitness Fear Friday - I'm all VONerable

I think the scariest thing for me about admitting fear is in the vulnerability that inevitably follows. All of a sudden, I'm exposed. One moment I think I'm perfectly content just being a mysterious figure observing the world from the corner to next moment standing bare butt naked in the middle of a crowded room telling everyone my inner secrets of self doubt and whatever else comes flying from my face.

People are fallible creatures and for some reason, we mistake makers in the world love to see others' mistakes as well. It makes us feel a little better about ourselves maybe. We can ease up on ourselves a little if we see others facing similar struggles. But I have to admit, I've never ever EVER been comfortable with allowing any visibility into what makes me tick as a person if it meant seeing any mess under the surface of the image I want to portray. For me, that mess has all been in the emotional realm. I could care less about people seeing my dishevelled house or dysfunctional relationships. But I have always cared about what I viewed and judged as emotional instability in myself.

There's definitely something liberating about it, being vulnerable that is. At least if I allow myself to be vulnerable to the people in my life, I know that they are around me because they really care and not just because I'm funny and like to have a good time. I don't just give the surface of myself to my friends and my family. I'm either all the way open or all the way closed. Black and white. Right and wrong. On and off. I don't have my own dimmer switch nor do I really see the need for one.

My biggest fear in the world is to find out that I'm not good enough.

What's your biggest fear?

Fitness Fear Friday - Punk Rope

Oh boy. Here we go again. I apologize in advance for the long post but I've got shit to say today. Read it, I promise you won't be disappointed.

Do you remember my references to Punk Rope over the past year?
This one, This one, This one, This one, This one, Oh and this one too

I must confess.

I'm a scaredy cat!

Scared of what?
I'm so glad you asked.
Um...total and complete rejection and humiliation...duh.

Elaborate please?
I've mentioned it before but if I must repeat myself, I must.

How about a quick recap?
Learned about Punk Rope from BitchCakes
Took instructor training workshop
Got my ACSM Personal Trainer certification
Started planning the logistics and stuff to bring Punk Rope to Seattle
Partnered up with one of the Rat City Rollergirls who I met at the instructor training workshop
Reached out to a couple YMCAs in the area
Got no response
Froze right there in my tracks

Thems are the facts YO.

But then there are some touchy feely kinda things that facts don't express...

It's the icky self doubt monster again.



Doesn't he make you just want to get out the color crayons and go to town? No? Just me huh?


I've talked all about the stupid negative self talk and beliefs I have about it before too.

Another quick recap?
I'm still fat and fat chicks don't teach aerobics classes
If I tried, no one would take me seriously
Just because I have a personal trainer certification, it doesn't mean I know what I'm doing
I don't know what I'm doing
Everyone who does know what they're doing are going to know that I don't know what I'm doing and I'll be a laughing stock
I have no right "teaching" other people how to exercise

Disclosure here: I don't actually think the above self-talk is accurate or helpful in any way. Quite the opposite actually. It's total and complete B.S.! All of it. Just crap!

The truth is:
So what if I'm still overweight. Fat chicks most certainly do teach aerobics classes and they can do it just as well as any skinny little gym rat. So there!
Well I'm not trying so of course no one is taking me seriously.
I know more than I give myself credit for.
Let them laugh if they're dumb enough to. Besides, it's totally unrealistic that people are going to point and laugh if/when I choose to fumble my way through my very first class as the instructor.
I have every right to do whatever I feel like doing because damn it, I've earned it and I deserve it.

If only I could get the truth to stick in my head.

I recently had a small series of coincidental events take place that brought the Punk Rope dilemma to the surface again. And I've been on this kick of watching for life's little opportunities then climbing on and riding them til they fall over. Oh and I should also mention that this series of events took place in a 24-hour period.

First event - My favorite Bombshell has been hounding me and nagging me and taunting me for months to do something with this Punk Rope stuff and so far I've been able to brush her off with the "ya ya ya, I'll get to it". Nothing personal...the power of fear is strong. I started thinking about all her little not so subtle hints recently because I've been slowly, one by one, facing some of these fears that have caused me to avoid things that I enjoy. I thought...perhaps it's time to think about Punk Rope again.

Second event - I write every single day now. Some days, I spend several hours spinning quips. I love it! LOVE! Love writing. But when I write, deep dark thoughts and feelings and ideas seem to just fall out of my head onto the page and there it is in black and white. It's hard to ignore what is staring you right back in the face. And guess what fell out and started playing the staring game with me? You got it. Punk Rope. Apparently, my brain decided it's time to tell me to get off my scared little ass and do the damn thing.

Third event - The morning after I wrote the glaring lines about it finally being time to face the Punk Rope fear, I opened my email and what did I see but a nice little message from Mr. Punk Rope himself. Psychic much? Get this coincidence! Not only was it a message that someone else had contacted him to ask if there are any classes in Seattle (since he has forwarded me about 3 or 4 in the past year) but this person is a writer for a newspaper in my area and offered to give a class of its kind some well deserved publicity. Um....ouch. That one smacked me right in the face. "Wake up STUPID!"

Fourth event - After reading the above mentioned email slap, I started thinking about where I would hold the class, how I would get it started, who I wanted to target to attend the class, what it would look like, blah blah blah. I found myself all confused and overwhelmed with the what-ifs swirling my brain into oblivion when I opened one of the blogs I check on a regular basis. There it was. Right there in all it's glory on Jack Sh*t's post of the day. Of course! Childhood obesity. Working with kids who want to get parents up off their mashed-potato lumpy butts and get their hour of play a day in. A class for kids and parents to play together. It's perfect! Jumping rope totally brings the kid out of any adult. It nostalgically shocks us back to grade school on the playground playing double-dutch and singing those creepy kid rhymes.

So obviously...that has to be the answer.

I've definitely decided that I must act NOW! I have to make this thing happen once and for all. I think it's going to be best to start it up with local YMCAs or already established clubs or gyms or whatever. But I have a problem and I want to ask for help. Here it goes.

1. I need help keeping my inner-bitch at bay. AKA - Encouragement.
2. I need help figuring out what to do to get started. Who do I contact? How do I contact them? What do I say? How do I prepare? Etc.

I'd like to ask everyone reading this to please comment, send me email, forward this post to everyone you know who might be able and willing to offer me any advice and/or ideas so I can finally face this stupid fear and finally make this thing happen. I really want to do this. I want to do this for me and I want to do this for the people (kids and parents) who are fat and frustrated and unhappy and want to learn to exercise in a fun way.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and for being here with me through this journey.

Fitness Fear Friday - Procrastination (guest post)

Hey there active peeps! It's Friday! WooooHooooo! You know what that means though right? Fitness Fears discussion day. Today, enjoy Big Girl Bomshell here and I'm hanging out over at her place. Take it away Jules.
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Thank God it’s Friday. Now, I can move on. This week has been hell for me. You see, its been a little over a month since I wrote my last guest post here on Fitness Fear Friday. Oh, I was feeling over-
confident. Last month, I talked about learning to walk all over again. Well, up until this week, I have
been walking or riding my bicycle, yes a bicycle, just about every day. Yep! So darn proud of myself;
And then it hit!

The Fear Monster, the freeze frame. My fear monster has a name…procrastination. BIG TIME! Poor
Salina. She is probably wondering what the hell happened. We are trading posts today and here it is
early in the morning and I have re-written this post a thousand times.

First it was, well, she wants a picture of Jackie..my bicycle..camera batteries were dead, oh forgot
the camera, oh no, no time for that now. La, La, La. That is me. Off into my own world. Oh, damn,
got to get that done for Salina. Don’t dare let her down; she looks up to me. Don’t blow your image.

KABOOM! There it went. The whole “ You got it together girl” just blew up in my face.

My tools for procrastination….ADD more! Yep. That is what I do. It allows me to run around like a
chicken with my head cut-off, going to a little Henny- Penny side of the sky is falling, which then leads
me to “What’s the Use?!”

This is the point where I feel the need to turn to food and just sit. Gorge myself on sweets until I can’t
feel anymore. BUT…today is different. I have felt the fear all week AND while I didn’t get out there
and exercise, I waited until the last minute to write my blog posts, I DIDN’T fill up my time with FOOD.

Oh don’t get me wrong, I had fantasies about Oreo cookies and chocolate bars and BIG pieces of
cake. But today, I didn’t let myself down. Instead of clearing my full plate by eating; I slowly started
scraping things into the garbage to make room for a clean plate.

So, YEP, I still have a ton of fear around fitness but the difference is, I only let it derail me for a
moment. I didn’t sabotage the whole plan. This weekend…Jackie and I are going to spend some time
together. Next weekend, I am walking a 6K. And the month of September, my fitness goal is to quit
procrastinating about weight training.

Fitness Fear Friday - Trampoline

Today's fear is in direct relation to the activity of the month. AIRobics! Trampoline fun at Sky High Sports.

I was a little embarrassed to admit this but I now feel that I have no choice, since I'm on this path of self discovery with The Artist's Way and all. At the beginning of the month, I was really scared to go to the class by myself. I talked a good game, oh yes I did. I made sure that everyone believed that I was ready to face the class with the bulls balls in my tiny little hands. The truth though, was that I didn't want to do it all by myself. I was secretly ready to just not go if no one was going to do it with me. No one being my husband, Accountabilibuddy, or my very good friend TP.

Why? Why was I scared?

Truth: I was worried that I wouldn't be in good enough shape to make it through the class or that they would have us doing flips and stuff that I'm not comfortable doing. Now that I say (write) it out loud for all the world to hear (read), I see how silly it is. I mean really. I'm not an invalid. I'm a relatively active person, or at least I like to think I am. I may be slightly overweight still but who cares. I can do pretty much anything I decide I want to do. I might not be perfectly graceful or skilled at whatever it might be but anyone can learn to do pretty much anything if they want to bad enough.

Were my fears realized?

Absolutely not! I got through the entire class with ease. With EASE! It was actually easy for me. Oh it got my heart rate up there for sure but I in no way felt unable to continue or so clumsy that I would hurt someone else or myself. I will admit though that I was a little scared during the class when they had us skipping across multiple trampolines and bouncing off the wall trampoline then doing another lap. Let's see if I explained that correctly? I don't think I did.

The trampoline floor is 3 trampolines wide with 1 trampoline tilted against the wall on each side. Got the picture? Each trampoline is separated by a yellow cushion thing. So they had us start from trampoline 1 and jump over the the yellow cushion thing to trampoline 2 and again to trampoline 3, then to bounce on the tilted wall trampoline and make our way back to trampoline 1. Trampoline circuit training if you will. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to make it over the yellow thing and I'd fall flat on my face and make a fool of myself. Well, that fear was realized. I totally fell on my face a couple times and I did notice that I was the only one. But the shame of it all wasn't nearly what I had worked up in my head. It was really no big deal at all. Falling is just part of walking (or jumping in this case). It happens. Humans understand that. No big deal. I did the exercise. I got over myself. I had fun. I got a good workout.

That's usually how my fears go. I have them worked up in my head with a much more humiliating and horrifying scenario than what is realistic. Then when I face them, I realize how much I would have been missing if I gave in to the fear and never just rose to the challenge. That's what fears are anyway, CHALLENGES. I ask myself if I want to rise to the challenge or allow it to define my life experiences. Typically, I decide I'd rather rise to the challenge because...well...I'm a bit of a control freak and don't want anything or anyone to have control over me.

The times I've risen to the challenges, I find that I respect and like myself more. The times when I shy from the challenge, I lose a little bit of my soul. I bury a little piece of me with that fear.

When have you acknowledged your fears and risen to the challenge?
How did you feel about yourself?
What fears/challenges are you being faced with now that you would like to conquer?

Fitness Fear Friday - My Inner Bitch

I didn't post a fitness fear last week. Why? I've been asking myself that question all week. And the obvious answer excuse is that I was busy with other stuff. But is that actually true? If I must be honest, NO, it's not true. So why then? Why didn't I post a fitness fear?

Lately, I've been going through this Artist's Way program. It's bringing up all kinds of buried thoughts and beliefs I've been ignoring for weeks, months, years. One of those buried treasures I'm facing is all about the blogging. What was running through my head as I sat down to the computer with the New Post tab glaring at me was this:

• No one cares about your stupid fears
• No one cares about your fitness journey
• No one wants to read your crappy attempt at writing a self indulgent blog
• It's not like you have anything to offer anyone anyway
• Shut up and get on with your life

In attempting to write my Fitness Fear Friday last week, I froze under the pressure of my own inner bitch verbally abusing me. Instead of just getting the negativity out and watching it flop around on the table until it ran out of oxygen and died, I kept it in a shallow dish in my head. There's just something about throwing all our crap on the table to look at it with an objective eye that tends to expose it for what it is and deprive it of its life blood.

Writing down those 5 thoughts above, I realize just how ridiculous they all are. Those thoughts are not only cruel and mean, they're just not true. And even if they are true, it doesn't matter anyway because I created this blog and continue to write it for my own benefit, no one else. The truth is that I enjoy this blog, I enjoy this journey I'm taking with Living Active, I enjoy writing (even if it is just jumbled thoughts sometimes).

Would I like to be more widely read in the land of blogz? Yes
Do I think I can improve on my writing? Yes

Just because I can see areas for improvement, doesn't mean I have to accept a negative self image or put up with the verbal abuse I suffer from myself. The free will I have been gifted allows me the choice to improve what I can. The serenity prayer comes to mind.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can and
The wisdom to know the difference

Change just takes a little bit of courage. If I'm not worth a little courage, then who/what is?

What fears and irrational bitchy thoughts are keeping you from facing yourself?
What can you do to end the battle and start taking better care of yourself?

Fitness Fear Friday (Guest Post)

Hi my active peeps. Hope you all had a fabulous week and are ready for a fun and exciting weekend. I'm happy to report that my nagging has finally paid off. My favorite Big Girl Bombshell has finally agreed to talk about her fitness fears. Not only that, but she is doing it right here, right now. Please give her some support.

Thanks

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Jules – Big Girl Bombshell here. Your girl Friday! You know, the assistant that has a wide range of duties. Well, Salina has been pushing, Excuse me, I mean dropping little hints for me to talk about my Fitness fear.


So today, I will be her girl Friday. Today’s duty is to be honest with you about my fear of fitness. It may seem a little strange, but hopefully, someone will understand this, and be able to give me a few pointers. I certainly have not been able to figure out how to cross the line, safely.

I have a fear that stops me dead in my tracks. It stops me from pushing myself too hard. I’m sure you have heard about the Fight or Flight response to Fear, well, mine is to freeze. Just like in a game of Simon Says.

I honestly don’t know how to handle the physical feelings that occur inside my body when my heart rate goes up. It triggers emotions from my childhood that I was just too young to deal with. That is the frame of mind that exercise puts me in.

It is similar to the physical feelings of emotions that trigger a binge or running to the chocolate or stuffing myself to not feel. While I crave and long for that feeling that avid exercisers proclaim, I have not been able to allow myself to get to that point. The moment my heart rate goes up, that strong pounding in my chest, my brain tells me to stop.

The one thing I do know, is I have to get beyond this, to be successful in my 50 by 50 challenge. Exercise and fitness is 50% of the equation. I have done a hell of a job dealing with the emotions attached to my eating, slowly changed a lot of my eating habits, but here I sit.

Wanting more than anything else, to push beyond my comfort zone, within the confines of my body, and start living actively. But, I still sit pondering what to do. I know, Just Do It, but that is so much easier said than done.

So my first step..is to acknowledge it. As crazy as it may sound to some, I need to openly admit my fear and then I can approach it in a more rational manner. So, my living active challenge for August, is not as exciting as Salina’s. I will not be jumping around on a trampoline, doing Airaeorbics. I will be learning to walk all over again, just like a baby.

Wish me luck!

F is for ----

Attention, Attention Please!

I realized something the other day when I was doing my best to paddle around the pool with a gimpy arm. It was a thought that hadn't even crossed my mind yet this month. To be perfectly honest with you, I really don't know why my brain hadn't mentioned something earlier.

A lot of people are afraid of swimming!

I mean, duh!

I've been thinking about and talking about and writing about fears and such lately but because I'm not afraid of swimming, I didn't even consider that others out there reading (as if they actually are) this blog might not be interested in my lovely representation on this month's activity because of whatever personal limitations they might have. How rude of me!

So instead of ignoring fears that I myself might not have, I want to open the floor to discuss fears about fitness every week, whatever those fears may be. Sound good?


From this point forward, Fridays are to be known as Fitness Fear Fridays around here.



To kick it off in style, I think I shall make a list. You know how I love lists. I'm a list girl.

Swim Fears

• The obvious one is the fear of drowning in general.
• The fear of swimming in other human gunk. Not eloquently put but let me explain. I've heard of some people refusing to swim in a pool because they know others will pee or spit in the pool. Dead skin falls off in the pool. Hair falls out in the pool. Band aides fall off in the pool.
• The fear of swimming in lakes. I have this one. I just won't do it, I don't care. It's gross. Lake water is stagnant. Shit falls in there and sinks to the bottom forever with no where to go. The water is dark and icky and you can't see anything around or under you. Things get slimy and putrid in lakes. People dump garbage and whatever else they can think of in lakes. Not interested. No thanks.
• The fear of swimming in the ocean. People fear the great expansive ocean. They fear the depth of it. They fear the creatures of it. Maybe they just fear the mystery of it too.
• What about the fear of putting your face in the water? That's one.
• I've seen people have an unbelievable fear of floating on their back.
• Fear of exposing too much of yourself in order to participate in the swimming activity? Bashful?
• What else?

Ways to Overcome Swim Fears

• Try meditative or relaxation techniques when you feel yourself getting anxious about getting in the water or attempting something in the water that scares you.


• Deep breaths
• Visualize yourself enjoying doing whatever it is that scares you
• Go to your happy place


• Challenge yourself about the fear. We usually know that our fears are unfounded but we allow them to dictate our actions anyway. If that's ok with you, then fine, stay that way. But if it's not ok, perhaps it's time to sit down and have a debate with yourself.
• Sign up for swimming lessons. Swim teachers have dealt with every kind of fear in the water that you can think of so if you really want to overcome what's holding you back but don't know what to do or where to turn, check out your local community center pool and inquire about lessons.
• If swim lessons aren't an option for you, you can try asking a friend or family member to help you face the fear. Ideally, you want them to be a good swimmer and you want to trust that person. It's much easier to attempt swimming when you have a helping hand and watchful eye to help you out if you find yourself in trouble or to just sooth your nerves and give you the much needed encouragement.
• If you decide to face your fear alone or with a buddy, it's important to go it slowly. Don't think that you're going to just be able to do a cannon ball into the deep end on day one. Depending on how debilitating your fear is, you  may want to start just by dangling your legs in or wading in to your knees until you feel comfortable enough to push yourself a little. Allow yourself freedom to take whatever time you need to get comfortable with the water.
• Consider getting a paddle board to use for a little while while you get the hang of kicking your legs.
• What about a snorkel mask for getting use to put your face in the water?
• Goggles are great so you don't feel blind underwater.

There are all kinds of fears about water and swimming. Some may be founded but most are illogical and we usually know the truth for ourselves if we really answer the question honestly. If you don't want to let your fears hold you back from experiencing the kind of beauty and peace I feel while swimming, I suggest you challenge yourself. The only way to conquer a fear is to face it and walk through it.


Do you have a swim fear? Tell me...

And there is only one day left to vote for my August activity. Did you vote? Vote!

Punk Rope - Excuses! Excuses!

1. I'm still fat
2. I really want to move out of the area
3. Don't want to be tied down to anything long term
4. I get shin splints
5. I have no experience
6. I don't know what I'm doing
7. I don't know what I'm talking about
8. I don't have any place to do it
9. No one will come
10. People will think it's stupid

That my friends is a list of excuses I've been making for not starting the Punk Rope stuff. Do you remember all the Punk Rope stuff? Get learned!

Punk Rope Baby
November Kickoff - Jumping Rope
Jump Rope Ouch
Punk Rope. GO TIM!
Serendipity

I loved Punk Rope so freakin' much that I forced myself to get the ACSM Personal Trainer Certification just so I could legitimately teach it anywhere. I dedicated tons and tons of hours to researching certification programs and books to read. Then when I decided on which one I wanted, I spent countless hours studying. Then I took the damn test and passed it.

I bought my very own Punk Rope t-shirt.

I bought my very own supply of Punk Rope jump ropes.

I even have a collection of class curricula. All I'm missing is the music and the guts to follow through with what I started last fall.

Why bring this up now? Well, I've been reading some of my favorite blogs lately and decided that I needed to take a deep look into myself as a result of what others were writing about. Here are just a couple right off the top of my head even though I know I'm forgetting more.

MizFit
Big Girl Bombshell
Mrs. FatAss

I've also been talking about fear lately over at Becoming a Thinner, Sexier Me. I even addressed two specific fears and the stupid excuses I've been making for myself over there.

Well, I figured it was time to talk about fear as it relates to personal fitness. That's something I haven't done here before. Personally, I think that fear has a lot to do with why people don't start living a more active lifestyle. I also think it has a lot to do with why people give up shortly after they start.

I've had a couple readers mention that I seem fearless and just have an all-in kind of attitude. As flattering as that is, it's just not entirely true. I will admit that I'm extreme. Extremely in and extremely out. Extremely hot and extremely cold. That doesn't mean that I don't have fears that I have to walk through to get to the extremely in place though. In fact, I've had a lot of fears. I mentioned one last week about starting this blog in the first place.

Some fears, I can walk through without much effort while others feel crippling. Example? Recently, Accountabilibuddy had a little party for her son who just graduated from high school and is getting ready for boot camp. Everyone went to an indoor trampoline place for an hour of jumping around. I had never even heard of such a place before but it sounded like fun so I committed to going. Hubby and I showed up and were ready to jump in right away. No fear. I started jumping and getting comfortable with it no problem. Then I saw others trying to do flips and crazy shit and I immediately wanted to try it too. I'm a nerd like that. But, I had a little voice in my head that was warning me of the dangers of attempting something like that.

• You could land on your head
• You could break something
• You could flip yourself right off the damn things
• You could hurt someone else
• You could totally embarrass yourself in a number of different ways

I let these little messages rule in my head for about 50 minutes. Then I looked at the clock and realized we only had about 10 more minutes until our session was over. So I asked myself if I would be okay with not even attempting a flip or if I think I would kick myself for it later. The answer? I think I might kick myself later. So I just decided right there in a span of about 2 seconds that I was going to do my best to give it an honest attempt.

Ooohhhhh Shiiiiittttt!

I did it! Okay, I almost did it. I got about 3/4 around and landed on my butt. So I tried again and did the same thing, but this time, I bit my tongue. Ouch! It seriously hurt my poor little tongue. So, I wasn't perfectly successful but at least I tried. I tried! Isn't that success? In my book it is. I felt a fear, I walked through it. Now, I'm not scared of it anymore. I exposed the fear and it's gone, no longer influencing my life experiences. I can't wait to go back and jump around a bit more. It was a seriously good workout.

Other fears take a lot more courage to face and some of them hang around for weeks, months, even years. I stayed lazy, overweight, and unhappy for a decade because of fear. I've been pretty consistently scared of roller derby since I got the bright idea that I wanted to be a roller girl a few months ago but I've also been consistently walking through that fear. Roller skating as much as I can. And I signed myself up for a roller derby boot camp that starts today by the way and I'm freakin' TERRIFIED! Don't worry, I'll tell you all the gory details later.

Then there's the stupid Punk Rope fear. It's something I really did love. It's something I worked really hard for. It's something I really do want to do.

So, here's the ridiculousness of these excuses:

• I'm still fat - Who freakin' cares?! I'll tell you who, NOBODY! And if they do, they're assholes so they can just piss off anyway.
• I really want to move out of the area - So? I can teach it anywhere. Duh...
• Don't want to be tied down to anything long term - It's not a marriage. There is no contract to sign. It's just me doing what I enjoy and having fun teaching others too.
• I get shin splints - Wahhhhh. Seriously? I walked the Breast Cancer 3Day with a torn abductor tendon. Like shin splints are a good excuse for anything. Idea: get new shoes.
• I have no experience - Well there's only one way to get experience.
• I don't know what I'm doing - You will if you learn and then practice. Idea: Learn then Practice.
• I don't know what I'm talking about - Good thing Punk Rope is more about doing than talking.
• I don't have any place to do it - It's summer time, I don't need a facility right now. Outside works just fine. Then I can find someplace indoors for fall and winter if I decide I want to keep doing it. That's just a lazy excuse.
• No one will come - Well, that's true if I never do anything to get it started. Idea: Set it up and invite people.
• People will think it's stupid - The people who think it's stupid are the same people who would prefer to sit on their asses eating cheetos all freakin' day. Fuck em!

Now for the obvious question: Thanks for sharing but what are you going to DO about it?

Because I'm all about taking action...here's my plan.

1. Download the music I need for one class
2. Enlist Hubby, Accountabilibuddy, and any other close friends I can round up to let me practice with them
3. Practice a couple times
4. Get my list of invitations together and offer a couple demo classes to family, friends, coworkers, etc
5. Make a plan to start holding classes on a regular basis

Okay folks, enough about me. What about you? What fitness fears do you have? Let's walk through these fears and kick their asses together.

Oh and Big Girl Bombshell has been kind enough as to let me guest post over at her blog tomorrow. Don't forget to go check it out.

P.S. She agreed to guest post for me as well. Yay! Keep a look out for that too.