I'll tell ya, there are so many things happening lately. Seems like one crazy adventure after another. For a while, I found myself in the dumps. Yes, I got way too negative for a little while. It doesn't happen too often but when it does, I find that it's better if I just retreat and wait it out in solitude. For if I don't, I'm afraid that I may end up just attacking the innocent or taking my irrational frustrations out on those around me simply because they are around me. I don't want to do that to you. I'm sorry I disappeared but it really was for the best. The good news though is that the cloud has passed and I've recovered the real me again.
I'm afraid the answer is going to sound familiar to those of you who know me or have been reading my crap for a while now. I stopped doing all the self care stuff. I stopped eating healthful meals as consistently as I once was. I got lazy. The gym was not on my to-do list for a couple weeks. My journal was beginning to collect dust. The vitamin D in my cute little pill container may have even expired. My quality of sleep had disintegrated. My poor little guitar sat lonely in my spare room for far too long.
When any one of those things happen, my mood starts to go south and I get irritable then it's a slippery slope unless I can manage to recover the missing piece. Well, it took me a tick to realize what was happening and I was not able or willing by that time to see my actions or inactions. I was in the middle of my negativity storm and everyone and everything was on my shit list. Friends were pissing me off for no good reason. My husband was....well....that's nothing new. ;) Work became nearly unbearable. I wasn't willing or able to tolerate family. Even the people at the gym, whoever they were, made me want to just lash out irrationally.
It became abundantly clear to me just how ridiculous I was when I saw myself get bitchy and snotty with my dearest friend in the world. Accountabilibuddy. She has been there for me through everything in the past year and a half and she has been amazing through it all. She did me a little favor and I didn't like what she had to say so I snapped at her. When I realized what I did, I felt horrible and was forced to look at myself in the mirror. If I'm not happy, it's not her fault, nor anyone else's for that matter. I'm the only one who can manage my mood. And I'm the only one who knows what I'm really doing and not doing, what I'm really thinking and not thinking. My world is based on my perception and my perception only. So, it stands to reason that if I change my perception, I change my life. I've done it before and I realized that I slipped and needed to do it again.
In my last post, I talked about Goal #3 which was to sell my house and move to the city. Well, that goal seems to need some renegotiating now. After doing some homework, I've discovered that it just doesn't make financial sense to sell at this time. At first, I took that news really hard. I'm a city girl stuck in the suburbs. The idea of staying where I don't belong for yet another year or more just took all the wind out of my sails. So, I need to either suck it up and sell for a loss or I need to redefine what this all means in my life. I'm either "stuck" in the burbs for however long, OR I've been granted a golden opportunity.
I choose the latter.
My plan was to list the house in Feb, sell in Mar, and move in Apr. That eats up 3 months (at least). So, now that I'm not going to be selling, packing, apartment hunting, or moving, I find myself with time. What ever shall I do with extra time? Oh I know....how about I redirect that time to spend on accomplishing one of my other goals. Let's see here. I want to learn French, get my little monster into agility training, write a book, and lose weight. Those are the biggies. I'm already taking French classes. I already have the little monster signed up for doggy class. I haven't been writing much lately. And I managed to gain 6.8 lbs over the holidays and hang onto it until well....yesterday when I weighed in at 165.8.
By George, I think we've found it. I get to focus more time and attention to losing weight and writing a book. Hurray!
I spent this past weekend looking at those goals in detail and I think I've put together a master plan to make sure I can accomplish BOTH by the end of the year. Wanna know how? Stay tuned...
Obviously, doing this self reflection stuff gets me thinking about what others are going through too. Am I the only one who's mood was drenched by toilet water? Are you struggling too? With what? What did you do to get out of it? Do you have an opportunity to redefine your perception and change your life in the process? Do you have any witty insight for me? Any stories you want to share?
Thanks for being here.