Proof is in my Pudding Thighs

In 2010 I began a journey with the idea that if I was just an active person, my body would naturally reflect my lifestyle and go from fat to fit without having to count calories or join a weight loss community or hire a personal trainer or a nutritionist or an endocrinologist or a neurologist or a psychologist or a hypnotherapist or a naturopath. I've said before that I think my hypothesis was flawed and the proof is in my pudding thighs, not to mention that I have had or still have every single one of those professionals working to help me realize my goal.

Have I succeeded? Nope! Not yet anyway. I'm still overweight and as frustrated as ever. I eat lean proteins, fresh veggies, fruits and berries of every variety. I stay away from baked goods, grains, legumes, sweets, dairy, coffee, and alcohol (for the most part). I have had a regimented exercise schedule for what seems like a decade. And yet, I'm still only about 4lbs under my max weight. If I eat a healthy, nutritious, and a well balanced diet while staying active and all those people with letters after their names have told me that I do all the right things, then why am I still fat?

Now, I don't know because like I said, I'm still overweight and still frustrated but I have recently had a revelation that may hold the answer. Here it is. I have a horrible belief no matter how much I would like to deny it that I will never lose weight. That's right. If I'm totally honest with myself and the world around me, I truly believe that I will never actually succeed. The Bitch in my head says all kinds of nasty things to me. "Honey, you're stuck, deal with it!". "You think you're actually going to succeed this time? Ha! Hahahaha! You funny lady!" NOT! "How many times have you tried and failed? Wait, how many was that? That's what I thought. Gooooooood luck, phfb...!" Seriously, if any other Bitch were to say shit like that to me, I'd tackle her and shove my fist through the back of her throat. Why is it ok for me to say that to me? It's just not acceptable.

One of those PhDs or MDs or specialists I listed above recommended that I read a book called You are Not Your Brain (sarcasm: although I can't understand why). The next day, I ordered the book and began reading it as soon as it arrived in my mailbox. What I found so far is that I'm far more neurotic and screwed up in the head than I ever thought. I mean, I knew I was a wack job. Kinda hard to avoid it when you come from where I've been. But I thought I had overcome the biggest demons already. How wrong I was. I've discovered now that The Bitch in my head is my biggest demon of all.

Apparently, our brains have a nifty little way of tricking us into sabotaging ourselves so that our beliefs are reinforced. If I believe I'm stuck in this fat suit forever, then my brain is going to look for any opportunity or evidence to make sure the belief remains true. Et voila! A fat chick who believes she's stuck being fat forever remains fat. It's a miracle. It's annoying. It's reversible. Hallelujah.

So now I'm learning what those negative beliefs are and what triggers them and where they come from and why. But more importantly, I'm learning how to change them and prove them all wrong starting with this one. That Bitch is going down and she can take my waistline with her.

Resolution Schmesolution

Every year I make resolutions and every year I review them to see that I haven't really accomplished any of them as I had previously defined. Then I take a moment to throw a mini pity party for myself before I realize just how much I accomplished through the year that may not have been on my new years resolution list.

Example #1- One of my resolutions for 2011 was to finally get this extra weight off. Here I am at the end of the year and I'm 9lbs heavier than I was on January 1st. Total failure? Not exactly. I have been doing pretty rigorous weight training and I'm told that I have built a substantial amount of muscle which could explain some of the gain. Plus, health isn't just all about the scale either. I have maintained a consistent exercise regimen throughout the year even with the sky falling all around me.

Example #2 - Another goal for 2011 was to have a significant amount of money in savings but I'm no where near that balance. Again, failure? No way! I was still able to save more than I had in previous years and take a dream vacation to France and I enjoyed going out with friends and fun activities with my nephews. Success!

Example #3 - I had a goal of getting my dog into agility training in 2011. I did NOT do any agility training with her though. That seems pretty cut and dry as a failure. But knowing the dog she was at the beginning of the year and how she is now shows me that I have successfully helped her through her psycho fears so she can be a normal dog. So what if I didn't pursue the agility course for her. She's no longer deathly afraid of everything and she can be a happy dog. That's success in my book.

I've weighed in on the new years resolution debate before (Resolutions, Goal Setting) and little came of it so I'm not concocting any master plans this year. Instead, I'm just going to give a simple list of what I've been thinking of putting on my new years resolutions list. Of course the following items don't meet the requirements of appropriate goal setting and they're mostly vague but I don't care this year. I'm just writing down what makes me happy and I'll go from there.

Clean house (organize, label, sort, toss)
Move
Lose 50lbs
Guitar
Spread joy
Write
Relax
Speak French
Donate
Blog
Save
Do it NOW
Be nice

I'll elaborate on them and will also likely revise the list as time goes by but at least it's an idea and it's in writing. Actually, I'll elaborate on one of them right now.

BLOG
I've totally slacked on the blogging in the past few months, for very good reason. Regardless, I've decided to reinstate the monthly activity list and maybe even the voting feature if I can figure out this new stupid Blogger interface. When I started blogging back in 2009, I did so because I love to write, I wanted to start "journaling", and I wanted the accountability and support network that comes from blogging as I figured out how to remove the couch fabric from my ass. It was a brilliant plan and it worked well for a long time. And....it was fun. Very important! So I'm doing it again. Blogging regularly and choosing a different activity to dedicate myself to each month.

January. January is going to be dedicated to.....ballroom dancing. Woohoo! Stay tuned for more info. I'll have my activity calendar posted and I'll let you all know my plan so you can watch, point, and laugh at me as I stumble my way through the month.

And just for fun.....other bloggers and their take on resolutions:
Happiness Project Resolution Questions
Endurance isn't Only Physical Resolutions
Helen doing a 180 - To Not Sucking