Saturday, May 21, 2011


What is your worst fat fear?

My worst fat fear is that I will be accused of being pregnant. Why? I'll tell you. It's because when I was a young adolescent, probably around 10 or 11 years old, my aunt who was 4'10" tall and probably a good 200lbs had that exact scenario happen to her in my presence. An innocent little child approached her one day when we were out about town. The child ran up to my aunt and grabbed her belly yelling "mommy mommy, look, there's a baby in there!". The child's mother with a horrified look on her face, obviously knew that my aunt was just a fat woman, grabbed her child and hurried away. I could hear the apologies fading as their distance increased. That wasn't the worst of it though, at least that's not what was burnt into my mind. The worst part was listening to my aunt and my mom talk about how retched that woman and her child were and how humiliated my aunt felt after that scenario was over.

Less than an hour ago, my husband and I were eating at a new Mexican restaurant near our house and as we were paying the check and walking out the door, our waitress looked at me and said "how many months are you?". I wasn't sure I heard what I thought I heard so I asked her to repeat herself. She obliged my request with a clear and concise confirmation that I did in fact hear her right.

My response?

"I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat!"

That brief moment of emotional torment for my aunt and the conversation that followed taught me one very important lesson. Never ever ever ask a woman you don't know how far along she is or mention anything pregnancy related. The pain and suffering that can result if you're wrong far outweighs the possible joy YOU may experience with that stranger if you're right. This lesson did me well several times in life. The big one that stands out to me now is when I met a friend of a friend who looked very pregnant. I never said a word to her and later learned that she had undergone a surgery to remove the massive cyst from her abdomen. She wasn't pregnant. She had a very uncomfortable and painful medical condition that was also emotionally stressful. Thank god I kept my big trap shut.

  1. Not everyone who looks pregnant is. They might be fat, they might have a tumor, they might have a cyst, they might have cancer, they might have nutritional deficiencies so KEEP YOU BIG TRAP SHUT!
  2. Not everyone who's really pregnant is happy about it. They might have been raped, they might have been molested and are carrying their father's child, they might have just been dumped by the baby daddy, they might not know who the father is, they might be carrying a baby to term with no intention of keeping it. All those possibilities are very real in our world and they are all good reason to be unhappy about being pregnant so it's best that you KEEP YOUR BIG TRAP SHUT!
  3. Pregnant women are smug. I've lost many a friend to child so I know what I'm talking about here. Happy pregnant women usually love to talk about all the ins and outs of their experience which does nothing more than reinforce their smugness. There is no need to encourage them in their hormonal justification so KEEP YOUR BIG TRAP SHUT!
  4. Some pregnant women get sick and tired of:
    1. talking to everyone because they're pregnant,
    2. people touching their bellies even if you happen to know them well,
    3. politely listening to your advice,
    4. answering the same stupid questions you people ask over and over again (how far along are you? is it a boy or a girl? have you picked out names yet? are you nesting yet? are you having it naturally? are you going to get drugs? are you doing a home birth? have you had a baby shower yet? where did you register? have you decided if you're going to breast feed? are you going to be a stroller mom or a marsupial mom?),
    5. listening to your experiences and how they differed with each and every little miracle you have sprung from your overactive loins so...KEEP YOUR BIG TRAP SHUT....and keep your hands to yourself.
  5. There are often complications with pregnancies. Those unfortunate people who have complications and have to go to the doctor several times every month aren't exactly excited about their experience so KEEP YOUR BIG TRAP SHUT!
  6. You're just being selfish. Talking to someone who may look or even be pregnant about their current situation does no good for that person what-so-ever. You're not talking to them for their benefit but maybe to satisfy your own curiosities or alleviate your own discomfort in a situation if you happen to be feeling that way so KEEP YOUR BIG TRAP SHUT!

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