Holding me back

I took a little hiatus from the land of blogz and all the structure that ruled my existence for the better part of a year. Looking back at my journals, my blogs, my successes, my struggles, my proud moments, and my not so secret shames, I realized that I was just sick and tired of saying the same things over and over again and I needed to step away from the accountability to really figure out what was keeping me stuck.

Accountability is a good thing until we are unable to meet the bar we've set for ourselves and that accountability then becomes a tool of self-destruction. I think that's what happened in my world. I defined the bar for myself and when I didn't meet that bar, I took it off the shelf and started beating myself with it...figuratively speaking of course.

Last week I had an AHA! moment. Hubby and I were talking about how each of us would be different if we didn't have a significant other in our lives. How would I make decisions differently if I didn't have a husband to consider? What would I do differently? Where would I live? What kind of car would I drive? How would I wear my hair? How would I change my style? What hobbies would I have? It was essentially an exercise in evaluating how closely or distant our joint life aligns to our individual values. An interesting thing happened. 

Hubby started answering my questions and his answers surprised me. If he didn't have a wife to consider in his decisions he would: take better care of his body, spend more time doing the hobbies he loves, not live in the house we have lived in for 10 years, have totally different furniture, drive a different car, spend more time with his guy friends, buy a Harley, not have the dog we have, etc. If I didn't have a husband to consider in my decisions, I would: take better care of my body, spend more time doing the hobbies I love, live in a high rise in the city, have totally different furniture, drive a different car, spend more time with my girlfriends, not have a dog, totally change my wardrobe, etc.

It was my belief for, oh I don't know...ever, that I was compromising all the things on my list for his sake. What I found was that I was mistaken. We both were. The only one holding me back is me. Hot damn!

Perhaps it's time to get in touch with the single Salina mindset a bit. Relax, not to cheat or anything like that. Ew! No! Perhaps recovering a bit of vanity isn't such a bad thing...since it is what would motivate me to take better care of my body if I were single. What about the house? Rent it out and move to the city. Hallelujah! Not all of our furniture can go with us though. Perfect! Have a yard sale and get new stuff for our new life.

I'm done selling myself short. I deserve to be the best me I can be, and my husband deserves to have the best version of me as well.

What would you do differently if you lived in harmony with your true values?